A Mister Midnight low-effort guide: Which tank should I play?

Let me get this out of the way: the tank you should play is the one you like the most.

All tanks are viable for all content. But some are more stylish than others.

Paladin

Paladin is known as "the tank that has the most party support" and also "the tank most likely to voke off of you in Alliance Raids". The best part about the class is the giant sword animations you get to show off to your party. You aren't compensating for anything! Come on.

• Clemency is a massive single-target heal for 1000 potency. It can save a run and is a great tool for prog. Wrecking your personal DPS for the good of the party feels bad, but a dead DPS rezzes at half damage, so taking the L on a few GCDs is worth it to avoid that situation. Also, aren't Paladins supposed to be the nice guy?

• Intervention is a nice mitigation to put on your co-tank in 8-person content, and if you're feeling really nice, on a DPS with a vuln stack who's about to eat something or other. Again, aren't you the nice guy?

• Passage of Arms is the most useful when lined up with other Paladins to make a beautiful wings wall. Or when waiting for the lotto numbers in the Gold Saucer.

• Divine Veil is similar to Warrior's Shake It Off, but Warrior's mitigation is clearly named after a stupid Taylor Swift song. Plus, do Warriors do a cool kid sword flip when popping Shake? No, no they don't.

• Requiescat is Paladin's unique magic phase that allows them to attack at range. At higher levels it also it heals the Paladin, which is great for smoothing out dungeon trash pack damage. It's also important to pull the boss with Holy Spirit to remind your party that you are the hero of this story.

You are a paladin at heart if:

• You want a good all-around tank with a straightforward rotation and great party support options.

• You don't mind tanking your logs for dumbf*+k DPS.

• You are me.

  
  

Warrior

Unga bunga!

• Fell cleave: Fell cleave. Fell cleave. Fell cleave. Fell cleave. Fell cleave.

• Bloodwhetting: Warriors have the "best healer" meme for a reason. Bloodwhetting can restore several health bars over its duration when used in a dungeon trash pack and heals enough when used on a single target to solo dungeon bosses. The best is getting a bloodthirsty White Mage in Duty Roulette who is delighted to blow their lilies in downtime. They appreciate you.

• Shake It Off: Warrior's classic party mitigation with a nice flat value shield. Bonus regen was added to this ability because Warriors were really lacking in the healing department.

You are stronk enough to play Warrior if:

• Your vocabulary is limited to two words: Unga bunga.

• You think skimpy AF gear briefs are the manliest fu$&ing thing in the universe.

• 'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

Baby, I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

I shake it off, I shake it off (hoo-hoo-hoo)

Gunbreaker

The Gunbreaker is a great all-around tank like Paladin, but makes Paladins look like losers. Gunbreakers have an extra weapon on their weapon. Their animations are dynamic and fluid, and really well-modeled on all races. (Except Lalafell, because no one can actually see what Lalafell animations look like.)

Superbolide: is probably the best invuln in the game. Since the change, your health only drops to half after shooting yourself in the head. Goodbye "test of your reflexes" and Benebolide memes! It was nice knowing you.

Heart of Light: your standard damage reduction party mitigation, except disco! It's like a disco ball sparkle when it goes off! And the sound! Use it on cooldown around the aetheryte when you're sort of AFK and show everyone that you are ready to par-taaay!

Heart of Corundum: Completely trash skill. Your healers say it's a great dungeon mit and you should use it on CD. What the f*$k do they know about tanking? Sure, I'm going to believe the person in a weird robe thing carrying a snow globe. Get bent!

Continuation Combo: When you get tired of tanking and just want to dps, but in the middle of an instance, Gunbreaker has you covered! You don't need to worry about moving the boss correctly. You are in the zone. The Danger Zone.

You are cool enough to be a Gunbreaker if:

• You are a van Baelsar apologist.

• You think Squall was misunderstood.

• You think playing the class will get you all the ladies. Thancred sure has no problem in that department.

  
  

Dark Knight

Move over, dragoon! There's a new edgelord in town. Dark Knights are fantastic tanks in 8-man content, and are totally fine to heal in dungeons regardless of what your friendly neighborhood healer says. Just don't be an assh*&e and use your mitigations.

• The Blackest Night is a very strong ability. It grants a shield that covers 25% of the target's HP, is on a short CD, and is mana-neutral if it breaks. The shield also has the most epic name of any skill in the game. I'm not sure how "The Blackest Night" relates to shields in any way, but f$%k yeah brother!

• Dark Mind and Dark Missionary are solid mitigations for magic damage. Well, what damage is magical? you may say. Good luck with that! Oops! You mitigated exactly nothing!

• Your Living Shadow is named Esteem. Esteem is defined in the Oxford Dictionary as "respect and admiration, typically for a person." Awwww look! Dark Knights have their own little fan club. No wonder they're so full of themselves.

• Shadowbringer is a potent line AOE that has 2 charges. It can only be used under Darkside, which is up all the time anyway. Dark Knight has a skill that shares a name with a whole expansion. It's hard to argue with that.

You should embrace your darkside if:

• You want to play hands-down the best role quest in the game.

• You have a burning desire to get a Heavensward relic weapon.

• You are a male Au'ra.

One final thing to remember

No matter which tank you decide to play, make sure you keep the DPS and especially the Healers in line in dungeons. If they pull for you, it's proper etiquette to sit on the floor until the rest of the party has wiped. This is your story. You are the leader of this party, and no one else is. That is why you play a tank.