A Mister Midnight low-effort guide: Which healer should I play?

The answer is none of them.

Are you still here?

OK, you crazy masochist. Strap in! We are going to hell.

Along the way, we'll meet tanks that eat vuln stacks like candy, ones that call you a bitch, and ones that start fights with you and ragequit the instance.

DPS who ignore mechanics, DPS that say they were distracted by their cat so they died (three times on the same boss? That cat is a champ!), DPS who BRB doordash and eat shit. It's not disrespectful! They didn't think the queue would pop so quickly! Please look forward to it.

And on the subject of respecting time, any good healer should aim to respect the party's time as much as possible by implementing high optimization, which means DPSing as much as your little fingers can mash your Do button and avoiding healing at all costs. And that means optimizing yourself out of content. The best healer is one that simply does not exist. You should always strive towards erasure.

Still want to play a healer? Even though no one wants you in the party? Even though you'll end up like that Scholar in Europhsyne who kept begging the tank to put the tank buster on them just to feel something, anything? Yeah?

All right, let's roll, bro. You'll get these assholes to show some fucking respect.

So pick your poison. This is how you play a motherfucking healer.

White Mage

All healers should hate the DPS. And if you choose White Mage, that is the core of your job. Ever heard of Bloodbath, asshole? I'm busy Glaring at the boss. Fuck off.

You don't need me, right? The WAR is the best healer? Oops, I'm doing more damage than you. I would be even if I didn't have to rez you. So is the WAR, btw. But does he have a rez? Optimize that, dumbfuck!

A quality WHM must also have a macro that includes mentioning paying Blood for the Blood Lily when someone dies (usually the edgelord VPR) and you raise them.

Better than that, have a macro that says "I'm not your daddy but I'll Raise you anyway ;-)"

You might get sent to the goal over that, but it would be totally worth it. Bonus points if you are in a leather glam. Double bonus if you are a max height femRoe. Triple bonus if your macro includes <se.6>.

You should stand in AOEs in trash pulls when your stuns wear off. You can trigger Lilybell that way! Also, maybe, just maybe, it will make you feel alive.

Another trash pull tip: Let the tank die because you were zoning out casting Holy. Admit this to the party. Get all 3 comms.

Always hold Benediction for yourself.

Sage

Choose Sage if the other healer jobs are too girly for you. (Spoiler alert: most Healer gear is still dresses. You're fucked no matter which healer you choose. Go drop 5 mil on the market board for actual pants. Do you feel better now?)

If you choose Sage, put Kardia on yourself. Go ahead, do it. Watch the great community by the way vaguely make fun of your "mistake" in your party's Alliance Raid chat.

Tell them you put Kardia on yourself because the Warrior doesn't need it, he is the best healer. Get 9 comms.

Better yet, play Sage only because of the horny animation they have when casting Dosis. The animation actually levels up in obscenity as you do. Didn't you know about the level 90 trait Air Fucking Mastery? Go read your tooltips, loser.

If you are a male Roe Sage, you are required to either wear cargo shorts and a button up top, or the Chocobo head with 2B bottoms. You must fish for a crit on Eukrasian Diagnosis constantly between dungeon trash pulls. In trials, you should pre-emptively cast Eukrasian Diagnosis on the Dragoon every time there's a mechanic so you get an extra Toxicon. Never fails.

Scholar

Scholar's Art of War is a gain on two.

Always has been.

People who are not Scholars and know nothing about Scholar bring this up whenever anyone mentions Scholar at all. If you're a Scholar, they will tell you. They need to make sure that you are playing optimally to respect everyone's time. Punch that fucking ground! Everyone's rooting for you.

And if you choose Scholar, it is your duty to quietly be the most competent player in any instance, especially when randoms are involved. Because of your competence, you must also play healing chicken with your cohealer. Using anything other than a fairy skill to heal costs you damage. Look who's optimizing now, motherfucker! Let's see that Aspected Helios. That's right.

You are a power gamer who has been playing since the original Nintendo.

You are better than your children at FFXIV.

You secretly enjoy putting the tether of shame on a DPS. You usually put it on the Dragoon. Never fails.

Astrologian

Choose Astro if you like velvet bathrobes. Also choose Astro if you want to play the healer with the most mobility. Lightspeed has two charges now! But wait. Does it trigger three instant casts of a powered up Malefic?

No. Only WHM gets to do damage. And they got a dash.

On second thought, maybe don't play Astro.

Well, at least Essential Dignity has 3 charges now. AST was really lacking for low-potency OGCDs. This solves that problem. Who cares if it heals like shit? You need to do something extra every GCD or you'll have a panic attack. This helps.

If you choose Astro, you can take pride that your newly revamped special card system brings unique mitigation tools to high-damage situations. In fact, it doesn't and there is nothing at all to take pride in. The Warrior tank is the best healer. You don't have to mitigate shit! You don't need 4 out of your 6 cards!

Instead, to fill the OGCD void, you will end up using all your mitigation cards on a single DPS who makes failing mechanics their sole purpose in this instance. You are also outdamaging them because they have Brink of Death. Yes, that's right. You, as an Astro, are outdamaging the DPS.

But there has to be some use for the cards. That's really why you chose Astro, right? Give The Balance to the tank. Not a bad idea. But also, give The Spear to yourself. Fuck it all. Supports are eating good today.

Come to think of it, why can't you put a card on Disesteem? Or fucking Bahamut or something? At least they are guaranteed to do some dps. Does Bahamut get Brink of Death? No. He's the obvious choice.

And also, why the fuck is The Spear a ranged card? Wait, wait, don't give it to yourself, give it to the Dragoon. Just feels right.

You were thinking about all of this stuff while you were high af.

All healers are viable in all content except Astro

The healer job fantasy is high quality. You can get lasers, wings, the power of the stars, and most impressive of all, an ugly book. Admittedly, the power of the stars might not be able to help you that much if your DRK is a complete dumbfuck in a dungeon (70% chance, brace for verbal abuse).

But, for absolutely everything else, you hold the fate of ungrateful party members in your hands. Actually, not when there's a WAR because they are the best healer.

OK, but otherwise, you decide if these losers live or die. You are a god, and you will make them suffer for every injustice they have heaped upon you.

That is why you play a healer.